Must Love Children
Finding love when you’re a single parent balancing work with afterschool sport, and hobbies with homework, can be a scary process. We investigate how a few of them overcame the odds and found love.
Romance is such a complex and often misunderstood term. For some women, it means dinner at a fancy restaurant and a dozen red roses, for others it simply means washing the dishes and a cup of tea. In a sense, romance is like art: there's no right or wrong example and its meaning is entirely open to interpretation.
So how do single parents interpret romance after a relationship breakdown and is it possible to have romance in between maths homework and netball finals?
For single Mum, Jo, night time isn't about candlelit dinners and massages; it's about getting her two-year-old daughter, Grace, into the bath and into bed. Following this is the evening ritual of reading Grace a fairytale about a beautiful princess who marries her prince in a faraway land and lives happily ever after, a poignant reminder of her own handsome prince that slipped away.
Like one in five families, Jo became a single parent with a young child; something she had never planned for. Today she enjoys spending time with her girlfriends but says a quiet dinner and movie at home with that special someone would be ideal. She stands as a testament to all those single Mums who have given up and said that, for her, romance isn't dead, it's meaning is just different.
"It's not just me that I have to think about now, I can't just drop everything and run, I need to really take my time in getting to know people before leaping into a relationship," Jo said.
True of any relationship, it's important to take your time and really get to know someone, but for single parents this becomes even more relevant. Fiona McDonald from Relationships Australia agreed.
"It's important to take things slowly at the start and not rush anything because there's more to think about than yourself when children are involved."
Explaining that there are always two sides to a story and both people play their part in a relationship breakdown, she suggested that before dating again it's a good idea to reflect on your part and what you did wrong in the relationship. "If you can't identify what you did wrong it's important to do counselling and build your relationship skills again," Fiona said.
Since becoming a single Mum, Jo has met a host of men who think that because she's a single Mum she must be desperate. But this certainly isn't the case, claiming that she is now more selective than ever!
"Since having Grace and being on my own, I've come to realise what I want in a relationship... [my standards] are different now, it's no longer the scruffy bad boys that I'm after. I want someone that's settled, secure and stable," she said.
It seems Jo's needs are shared by many and mirrored in a recent survey conducted by Relationships Australia, where 38 per cent of respondents listed 'friendship and companionship' as the best thing about being in a relationship and for Jo it's that friendship that she misses most. "I don't want the dozen red roses or the white wedding. I just want someone to ring
me and ask me how my day was or text messages letting me know they are thinking of me," she said.
"For single mum Jo night time isn’t about candlelit dinners and massages; it’s about getting her two-year old daughter Grace off to bed. She enjoys spending time with her girlfriend but says a quiet dinner and movie at home with that special someone would be ideal."
In today's world you don't have to look far beyond TV shows, celebrities and your own friends to see that single parenting in the 21st century is a common reality but who's to say it's all doom and gloom? Jeff is a single Dad to a teenage boy and believes the key to finding romance after a relationship breakdown is having social support from people in similar situations. By networking Jeff believes you can build up confidence and meet a whole cross-section of society, creating endless opportunities. After being involved in a complicated relationship, you would expect Jeff's outlook to be on the glum side but in fact it's the opposite. "My first relationship doesn't impinge on any others because my impression of relationships is that two people's lives run in parallel for a certain time but that doesn't always mean it'll be forever," he said.
Jeff believes that some people choose to leave a relationship once they have got what they need. He warns that if you don't let go of a failed relationship you can lose sight of your own life plans. "The way I think of it is, the relationship you had with your parents when you were 10-years-old is different to the relationship you have with them now because you have grown and you have different needs and demands; relationships between adults can change in the same way," Jeff said.
Jeff also believes you should bring the wealth of other relationships from the past into new ones, so you can make clear what you will and won't accept. "You need to lay down the law beforehand because if you don't address those issues from previous relationships then you will just keep hitting the same wall again," he said.
"For single mum Jo night time isn’t about candlelit dinners and massages; it’s about getting her two-year old daughter Grace off to bed. She enjoys spending time with her girlfriend but says a quiet dinner and movie at home with that special someone would be ideal."
Along with Jo and Fiona, Jeff believes it's important to take new relationships slowly and build them up over time if you want to have a lasting union. "If you slap something up in a hurry it's probably going to come down just as quick. It's all about good foundations," he said.
Despite having bad experiences in the past, Jeff remains a true romantic at heart. "Romance to me is using your imagination and creativity to share a certain part of you with someone that you don't share with others," he said.
The common ground with single parents and romance seems to be that before new love comes skipping by it's important for Mums and Dads to rebuild their self-worth and be clear about what they want in a relationship. "You've got to be a successful single before you can have a successful relationship," Fiona stated.
Single Support in Perth
Parents Without Parents
www.pwpaustralia.net
p: 9389 8350
Websites of Interest
www.singleparentlove.com
www.connectingsingles.com.au
www.mumspace.net
www.prisms.com.au
www.singleparentbible.com.au
www.singlemomsanddads.com
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