Let them fly solo
By Charlotte Pozo
Over-protective parents – even those with the very best of intentions – can have a lasting negative affect on your adult life. Shielding children from things that ‘may’ happen could teach them not to take risks in life in case of failure.
Nothing compares with the fierce protection we feel as parents for our children, but we need to remain aware of when we must allow our children to experience situations on their own.
"we must allow our children to experience situations on their own"
A valuable tool for helping with this situation is called the ‘Circle of Security’. It is something I regularly re-visit to help me give my children the freedom they need to develop their independence. It is actually stuck to the side of my fridge and the words ‘be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind’ frequently return to guide me when I feel I am unable to cope.
In simple terms it means giving a child the freedom to explore its world independently but at the same time letting them know the parent is watching and sharing the experience, and available at any time for the child to return to.
Whatever emotion they come back to you with, kids need reassuring that this feeling is justified in terms of their own particular experience. It is also an opportunity to attach names to emotions for their future reference.
It can be as simple as letting the child who wants to climb the slide instead of the stairs to the top of the slide to experience the risk of slipping. A valuable lesson is learned whether they stumble or succeed in risk-taking.
We obviously need to restrict some independence so our child is not confronted with any life-threatening risks, which is where the ‘bigger, stronger, wiser and kind’ part comes in to play: protecting them from putting their hand in a fire to experience being burnt but using the opportunity to teach them the potential dangers associated with this behaviour.
"Reward yourself with some me time to do something you enjoy without the interruption of your children Images?"
A mother bird sits on her nest protecting her eggs. When her chicks are hatched she feeds and provides a safe base for them, being the nest. When it is time for them to take flight, she has equipped them with strong wings to fly on their own, but the nest and the mother are still there for the birds to fly back to if they need to.
Give your chicks wings, mummy birds.
Time out
Time out is for you too, mums, but I’m not suggesting you put yourself on a chair in the corner of the room for bad behaviour.
I’m talking about rewarding yourself with some ‘me time’ to do something you enjoy without the interruption of your children.
It can sometimes feel like you are living in a permanent ‘Groundhog Day’, with the same routine day after day. We are often guilty of looking after everyone else’s needs before attending to our own. The continuation of this behaviour can and does lead to burn-out, as I’m sure you are all aware. It can manifest itself as throwing an adult temper tantrum, crying hopelessly, falling ill, utter exhaustion, misery and depression.
Think about when you are given the emergency drill on an aeroplane; you are told that if you are accompanying a child and there is an emergency resulting in the oxygen masks dropping, you must place them on yourself before your child, the rationale being that if you are well oxygenated you are then more able to care for your child properly.
The same applies to taking some time out for you. When you leave your kids to do something you enjoy, you are in fact refuelling, refreshing and re-oxygenating. It does need to be something that completely removes you from the mummy mindset so choose something that is all about you. Think massage, facial, reading a book in the sunshine, go shopping, have a bath, go see a chick-flick… indulge. You will feel better about everything, and yes, you do deserve it, so make sure it is a guilt-free experience.
Send yourself to ‘time out’ as a regular rule. It is of benefit to everyone around you but, most importantly, beneficial to you.
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